From the mouth of a child

[Flash]

I recently got to spend a lot more time with my son. Sometimes, the life of a musician forces you to make choices and I haven’t had a lot of time to spend with my son. I was amazed how much he’s grown and I felt bad that my life on the road kept me away from him for so long. I walked into my guest room where he was sleeping and as I watched him sleep, I remembered the first time I saw him. I was in the operating room, when he was born, all seven pounds and seven pounds and nine ounces. He was a Caesarian section and amidst all the blood and guts a beautiful baby boy was delivered into my waiting arms. He opened his eyes in my arms and I could see his toothless smile and sparkling eyes staring up at me.
Now he lies before me, fifteen years later, still my little boy. Although much bigger and more mature, I still remember those sparkling eyes and that toothless smile. His smile is lined with braces now but none the less still as beautiful as the first time I saw him. God blessed me with this beautiful life and I realize the weight of my responsibility as he lay there sleeping soundly. I asked myself what kind of father I was to him. I have been so obsessed with my music career and I sometimes chose the road of my career to spending time with him. I justified my selfishness with cliché phrases like “I’m doing this for him, so he’ll have the things I didn’t “. I guess you can justify anything if you tell yourself the same thing over and over again. I know that I am just lying to myself to ease the guilt of the choices I made which placed him second place to my quest for this elusive dream I have chased for a lifetime or so it seems.
Morgan Christopher, I gave him my name as a middle name so he would have new paths and roads to travel and not have to travel the same ones I did. I gave him the name Morgan because after he was born, I sat in the recovery room watching Morgan Freeman on the small television screen. He was a pioneer and I wanted my son to be a pioneer in whatever he chose to do. I prayed to God to let him not be like me. I prayed that God would shelter him from the frustrations in life that I experienced on my solitary track. I prayed that I would not be the father to him that my father was to me. I promised God that I would always be there to pick him up when he fell. I would be there always. I realize now that I have lied to my son and God. How many baseball games have I missed because I was playing in some rundown dive bar? How many birthday parties did I attend with only a phone call on the road from some obscure little town in Texas?
Through all the missed events in his life, my son still loves me. He understands the passion of my quest for success in music. He is much wiser than I'll ever be and I guess I’ve taken off the blinders and seen myself as not the father I promised God and him I would be. He opened his eyes and stared up at me. I saw his wonderful smile and sparkling eyes bristling with sleep. I walked over to him and hugged him and kissed this beautiful boy. I told him I loved him and I am truly sorry for not being there when he really needed me. He looked at me surprised and what he said brought tears to my eyes. He said Dad, “I love you, don’t feel bad about all the games you missed, you were always the loudest voice at the game when you were there. I knew what you were trying to do and I am so proud that you are my Dad. You have shown me that no matter how busy you were, you always found time for me, even if it was just a five minute phone call. You are my Dad and my best friend and that will never change no matter where we both are.”
I just hugged him. There was nothing left to say. I love you Morgan